That being said though, I realized this morning (or I finally admitted it fully) that I REALLY miss my family. Actually that's an understatement. I not only REALLY miss my family the way they all are now (with husbands and wives and many many beautiful, hilarious, constantly entertaining and charming children), but I also miss being a kid in my family in the most painfully nostalgic way sometimes, most specifically during this time of year.
I miss "The Big Room" and the way we all used to cram on the floor in there to sleep on Christmas Eve...taking forever to fall asleep because each one of us had at least 3 or 4 favorite lines from "It's a Wonderful Life" that we wanted say out loud...how that one year we DEFINITELY heard Santa moving around downstairs but realized in the face of that long awaited moment, that not one of us actually had the guts to go take a peek at him...the year I was sleeping next to Ben and I pretended to sleep as I watched him "wake up" with a loud start, look around to see if he had woken anyone else up and, upon realizing he hadn't been successful, lay back down and try again after a few moments (and again and again)...
I miss our big family holiday dinners....too much hay under the table cloth, resulting in a sea of tipping plates and spilling drinks....learning how to make that cool sound on the rim of a wine glass...leaving a chair empty every year in case a lone traveler happened to need a hot meal and then having that actually happen one year (kind of)....trying to come up with the perfect name for our new puppy....sharing the kids' table with Ben....
I miss the neighborhood gatherings at our house...pretending I couldn't care less about the "Grabowski Bowl" but watching out the window and trying to be close by during breaks in the game, hoping one of my older brother's cool friends might finally, after all those years, notice me....New Year's Eve parties....going to the Loy's party every year...
I miss the marathon morning of present opening, as each one of us patiently (sometimes) waited our turn....getting that first glimpse of the mountain of presents that had magically appeared overnight...trying to pace our stocking opening just right so we didn't have to wait TOO long for everyone else to get up and dig into the mountain...quietly working on a huge puzzle in the corner by the piano...getting stomach aches from laughing so hard at whatever the game of the year happened to be....nerf wars....
So yeah, I really do miss those days more than I like to admit. I don't like to admit it because I'm always afraid that might mean I'm not grateful for what I have now. I worry that it might sound like our new little families' traditions aren't good enough for me or that I spend my holidays trying to live up to the past. I feel so thankful that I am lucky enough to have those memories and to share them with so many people that I still completely adore, but there is sadness weaved into that thankfulness. Maybe that's the way it is for everyone who was lucky enough to have a solid, fun, secure childhood...maybe that's just part of growing up...maybe I'm still working on doing that....and maybe that's okay....
The other week, I was working through some of this in my head and suddenly realized that I feel so lucky and excited to have the opportunity to help form some of these memories for my own kids. I realized that those memories I hold so closely to my heart are only just starting to happen for Zoe and Owen and that someday they will be feeling nostalgic for what's happening right now before my very eyes. Every year, we take our decorations out of the closet and it becomes more and more clear that Nathan and I are building something really special together. We create new memories without even trying to and I find myself becoming nostalgic for some of those too.
Love you guys.
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