One of the major reasons I started this blog was to keep a journal for all of us to read when the kids are older. We've all been advised (and advised other parents) to write stuff down because it just goes flying out of your head and your kids are adults before you know it. I always MEANT to do it but just never found a way to make it a habit until someone suggested a blog. I'm so glad because not only do I feel like I'm getting everything down for posterity (thank you grammar police!), but it's also been great therapy and a wonderful way to reflect on the days.
Getting it all down for posterity, though I have to admit, can sometimes cause me to spin into a sort of panic because I never feel like I'm able to describe exactly how everything goes down at our house. Kind of like looking at the Grand Canyon in person and never really being able to capture the essence of the view with a camera. The thing is that part of what makes the view so amazing and moving is that you are actually THERE to experience it. The mind blowing size of the Grand Canyon is almost too much for your brain to take in and it's hard to convince yourself that it's a real thing and not a backdrop for a movie set.
That's the way I feel when it comes to the kids. I sit quietly and listen to Zoe read a book and I can feel myself trying to burn every part of the experience into my memory. I know I'll always be able to say "You loved to sit and read to us all the time and it was just so priceless!" but I won't be able to recreate the exact tone of her voice, speech impediments and facial expressions. I try whipping out the video camera but she's so hyper aware of it that it's never exactly right. Or when I'm nursing Owen in the middle of the night and the nightlight in my room shines on his chubby, perfectly shaped little baby feet...or the way he smiles every time you look at him. It makes my heart ache and I make the conscious effort to breath, relax and just take it in, right there in the moment.
I'm doing my best, but it's an ongoing project. The pride (and relief) of the kids growing and changing is sometimes the most overwhelmingly powerful feeling I think, because it's coupled with the fear that you'll never get those amazing moments back. I try to remind myself of one of the major aspects of the Buddhist practice: mindfulness and non-attachment...where you take in every moment and emotion, (good, bad and worst) for what it is and move onto the next. Surprisingly easy to do with negative stuff but really, really challenging with positive ones.
So, I'll keep writing and posting pictures (and try again and again with that damn video camera) because it's the best I can do and honestly, it's just plain fun. I'll also keep working on living here and now and not worrying so much about getting it down exactly right. I just can't believe I'm lucky enough to be HERE to experience it all.