I wasn't going to do this, but I'm going to be totally open about the latest rut I've found myself in. I always hesitate to do this on here because #1) I don't want to worry my family. We are very far away from each other, and I don't want them to hear my woes and think they need to jump on the next plane to Colorado to hoist me up (on second thought, maybe that's not such a bad plan!), #2) I'm afraid I'm going to sound like a total loser. I know a lot of people probably think blogging is really weird (I'm among them honestly) and I wonder if going on and on about stuff like this is going to make me seem totally pathetic, #3) I'm not sure if talking about it all will sound dramatic and disrespectful of people who have actual problems. So, I've not felt like talking about it and instead I've spent the last few days vowing to detox myself from Facebook and never write another entry on here ever again. The fact that it's been really hard to accomplish that has made me feel even more pathetic and I've been beating myself up for being addicted to technology. It's also made me feel completely depressed because I'm bored so often that I hop on the computer any chance I get to gather all of the useless information I possibly can and post far too many status updates just to feel like I'm in touch with people. This evening though, I finally decided to give myself a freaking break already. I mean WHO CARES if I'm a total loser and WHO CARES if I'm bored and hop on the computer to find something funny, inspiring, interesting or entertaining and WHO CARES if I think something is hilarious/weird/amusing and want to see if anyone agrees and WHO CARES if I'm the type of person who wears her heart on her sleeve and feels better when she tells a million people how she is feeling...WHO CARES?? I'm happiest when I'm just going with the flow and not over-analyzing so today, right now I'm vowing to get back to that place.
I've been pretty up and down the last few weeks and my usual remedies for such moods have not seemed to do the trick. Every time I think I've gotten myself back on track I find myself moping a morning away, surfing the internet for "signs of depression" and "mental health, counseling, Medicaid, Colorado". Always by the time lunch and afternoon roll around I get some spring back in my step so I never worry for too long but lately, the very next morning...down I go again. I feel 100% sure that Winter is the culprit because being inside for days at a time is a recipe for boredom for me (and many, I know). I've been so bummed out and tired lately that I haven't had the energy/motivation to do the things that keep me happy and energetic (exercising and projects with Zoe mostly). I've moped and moaned and found myself actually thinking "this place is fucking miserable" as I lay in bed at 4am this morning listening to Owen fussing in his crib, Zoe whining and kicking the closet door in her sleep while laying on her sleeping bag next to our bed and poor Nathan getting up and down painfully as a result of throwing out his back...No, I'm not exaggerating. They were all happening in the exact same early, early morning moment. Today was the day I looked up "signs of depression" and tearfully realized that, while I'm feeling pretty bad, I can honestly say I still feel like this is all in my control. Many, many people suffer from depression and although I've wondered if I'm one of them more times in my life than I can remember, I am certain I'm not. Always, ALWAYS I'm able to buck up and get back on track. It's a simple matter of being determined to stop the self-pity and do what I know has to be done to be happy.
Three of the things that jumped out at me today as I was reading "15 natural ways to deal with depression" were:
1) Find support
2) Do the things you know make you happy (even if you don't feel like it)
3) Do something different/change something
So, I realized:
1) My "support" is writing here to you all (along with more than a few awesome people directly in my life) even if I don't get any feedback. Knowing that putting myself out there might help even one person feel less alone makes me feel less stupid about spilling my guts...also, getting it all down and thinking it through like this makes it feel less scary...so, thanks for being my support!
2) I need, more than ever, to figure out how to get my ass running regularly.....not an easy task. It is part motivation, mostly logistics/timing and has seemed impossible lately, but as my amazing Ironman sister Rachel said the other day "Well, Sarah--there really aren't any excuses right? I mean, just DO it." She's totally right of course and I'm hearing her say that over and over and have started fitting in a little workout during the day whenever I can. I do need to be better about finding projects for me and Zoe to do together, but I've also been realizing that what's taken it's place lately has been a lot more quiet reading time or card/board game playing which I also love so instead of feeling bored with that, I've been trying to be more appreciative of those times. Also, as idiotic as it feels to me sometimes, getting on Facebook to read meaningless stuff is entertaining to me and it makes me feel connected with people I'd otherwise have lost touch with long ago. I love that I can still tell my old work friends about what the kids are up to and looking at family photos of people I went to high school with makes me nostalgic and grateful for the present time all at once.
3) I took the kids to the pet store this afternoon and got a fish! I'd been thinking about it lately and realized I had enough cash to get a little bowl and a betta fish so off we went. There was one pale, pathetic looking female among a bunch of brightly colored males and Zoe insisted on bringing the girl home. She named it Ada, after our friend Katherine's new baby girl and the kids love having her in their room. I know it could backfire on me, with the strong possibility that Zoe and I will both get sick of cleaning the water weekly and it could, you know, DIE fairly soon but I think I prepared her well and I feel up to the challenge of taking care of a little tiny pet so...
....there you go. I think I'm on my way back up. I'll look forward to obsessively watching my stats to see how many page views I've gotten and wonder how many of you felt relieved that you aren't the only ones who feel this way sometimes. I will give myself permission to imagine at least one of you saying "Oh Sarah, I LOVE hearing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you have to say" and decide to not care if most of you roll your eyes and say "here goes Sarah, rambling on about her personal shit again" because I do feel better having put it all out there.