Starting From Scratch

I've suddenly had a drastic change in attitude towards this blog.  Ever since I started it, it's inspired me to find the interesting tidbits in our everyday life and kept me motivated to find interesting things to do with Zoe.  In the beginning I meant to just keep a journal so that I can look back with the kids one day and enjoy feeling nostalgic with them.  I am one of those parents who can't, for the life of them remember when their kids first crawled, or got their first tooth but I was terrible about writing stuff down in baby books.  So, someone suggested I start a blog and it just really stuck for me.  I use it for different reasons depending on how I'm feeling or what's going on:  sometimes it's just to document a fun outing we had as a family, or to share something funny about the kids...sometimes I need to vent about something and talk my way back to feeling okay about it...sometimes I'm feeling crappy and want to share so that other people in the same position as me will know that they aren't alone...but, lately I've been feeling kind of embarrassed by the whole thing.

I used to write poetry when I was in high school and college (I know, wasn't I amazingly original??) and keep my notebooks in my room, only sharing them with people who I was either a) trying to impress, b) trying to gain sympathy from for whatever reason, because you KNOW it was all full of heartbreak and angst or c) really drunk with at the time.  I would sometimes read them to myself when alone in my room and spent a lot of that time trying to act like I didn't think I was really talented and deep.  The trouble with that younger me was that I was so non-committal about it all.  I thought I was good, and once in a while someone would concur so why didn't I try to foster that skill--take some classes and get better at it?  When I think about that, I realize I can say something similar about almost everything I've ever spent time doing:  singing, acting, playing the piano, playing the saxophone (don't laugh--I was pretty good!), playing the guitar...  I have this mix of enthusiasm, pride and for some reason I've never figured out, shame whenever I try to foster a natural talent or particular interest.  I think the obvious explanation has everything to do with fear of failure and judgement...I just cringe at the thought of someone not liking something I create and actually TELLING me...or I hate myself for doing something like this and wanting attention for it.  I mean, isn't it weird that I talk about my personal life and then post it on Facebook for all to see?  How narcissistic can you get?  So, that fear and shame keeps me totally immobilized, or causes me to to come to a screeching halt whenever I gain some momentum...which brings me back to the reason I started this entry in the first place. 

I've recognized that I've been feeling the same way about my blog as I did about all my poetry notebooks right before I threw them all in the trash.  One day I took them out to read them after having not done so for a really long time, and all I saw in there was a bunch of unoriginal teenage (and then into young adult) self-loathing and faux wisdom.  I thought of all the people I'd read them to and wondered how many of them were internally rolling their eyes and yawning.  It made me suddenly feel so ashamed that I took them all to the garbage, ripped them up and threw them away.  I've never regretted it but sometimes I do wish I had been a little easier on myself and maybe kept one or two around just to read as a source of amusement these days, if nothing else.  I'm trying to catch myself before I do the same thing now.  Granted, the first thing I'll do after I'm done writing this is post it on Facebook (just can't stop craving that attention, can I?) but I think I'll take a breath and start over here.  The first thing I have to do is admit why I keep this blog and share it with all of you:  Sometimes I feel lonely and irrelevant and seek validation for the work that I do as a Mom.  There, I said it--and you know what?  Saying it makes me feel much less pathetic somehow.  Now, maybe by the time I sit down to write my next post I'll be able to get back to the place I meant to be in when I started and stop analyzing it so much.  See you then!