Warning: I'm seriously getting some stuff off my chest here, all in an attempt to head down a more positive road. I'm letting it fly in the hopes freeing myself of it will help me feel a little lighter. I know about "thinking positively" and "making the most of things" and I'm trying, believe me. I'm not going to counter each of my thoughts in this post with the positive outlook but I do know it and believe in it's power. Sometimes you have to just let it all out though. In other words, if after reading this you feel compelled to show me a little love and support, just know I don't need reminders. I'm reminding myself every time these stressful thoughts take over my day. All I need right now are virtual hugs (not in person ones--those might make me cry ;-)) and/or recommendations for reading material about coping with this kind of thing, especially as a parent. Anyway...
This probably isn't news to many of you, but I realized last night I am completely freaking out. I'm stressed. I'm scared. The worst part for me? I don't know how to fix it. I can feel the tension collecting and taking over my body and mind and I'm starting to worry I can't stop the ball rolling. I know the stuff that works for me usually, but this situation we're in right now is a hard one to calm down about. In just a few short months, we will be packing up our apartment and moving somewhere and we have no idea where the fuck that is. It could be someplace we are really excited about and it could very well be someplace we are not excited about. At all. Like, the complete opposite of excited. One option is just as possible as the other as is everything in between. To top it off, no matter where we are going we will have to be saying goodbye to a place we've come to love and call home. We've grown tiny roots and nurtured the soil around them because our kids are living their lives and making memories here. We have to commit to living fully so they can look upon this time with warmth and fondness. When I commit to living fully in a community, I really commit so I personally have a lot of things in my life here I can't believe I'm going to have to say goodbye to. If we are going someplace we are excited about, it will take the sting out big time but if we are not...well, how would you handle that?
There is definitely a little flame of excitement somewhere in me, which gives me hope. I'm tending to that flame so it'll catch, burn and stay steady without me having to work at it as much as I need to right now. I'm not sure that's going to be possible until we know where we are going though, and that is wearing me out I think. It's hard work, caring for that little, precarious flame and I worry if I stop to catch my breath, it might go out. So, I keep at it even when I start to feel dizzy. True, I could ask Nathan to work at it for a while but the thing is, he's got his own little fire he's trying to sustain. We help each other as much as possible but are both working hard and feeling a little woozy.
So, counterintuitive as it may seem, I'm keeping myself really, really busy. I embrace the bit of running around I do to get both kids to and from school and welcome the confusion that adding a couple after/before school classes brings to the mix. I invite the kids' friends over so the house can be chaotic (something that brings me comfort, being 1 of 7 children), I take care of work obligations and sign up and train for races. These are things I can wrap my brain around. Fitting it all in and figuring it out is a challenge that is in front of me, and overwhelming as it is at times, at least the pieces are all there. It takes energy, but I can put it together every day and start over again the next.
Is my temper quicker than I would like it to be? It is (just ask my friends and coworkers, right guys? Guys?....You still there, guys?....). Do I post too much on Facebook, looking to distract my wandering mind as much as possible? Yep (so sue me). Am I tending to have an extra glass of wine more nights than I mean to? Uh-huh (but I'm keeping tabs on that, no worries). It could be worse, and I just keep reminding myself that anyone in this position would be freaking out so it's okay. It's to be expected, so.....deep breath....
Whenever I can, I lose myself in my kids. I take my own advice as I hear myself tell them to remember "Wherever we go, we go together. Always. That's the most important thing."
I soak in the preciousness that is Owen running outside on a windy day, holding firmly to the top of his head sincerely asking me every 2 minutes, "Is my new haircut still there?"
I ask for hugs from the kids because they not only squeeze just tightly enough but they laugh hysterically while doing so. Music to any parent's ears.
I let myself find pleasure in contemplating how interesting it is that when I am asked to draw "mountains" I draw the same thing I have all my life since being a kid in Vermont:
But, when my Colorado kiddo is faced with the same request, she draws this:
2 mountain states, 2 happy childhoods. We're makin' it happen no matter what, 1 day at a time.