Training lasted 18 weeks and was a roller coaster. In my best moments, I felt I could conquer the world and at my worst like I had jumped in waaaaay over my head. During more than 1 long run, I found myself wondering if I "had the stuff" to participate at all. I knew I was tough but wasn't sure my body could physically handle 26.2 miles. I made it through 17 weeks though and found myself in that last week, enjoying my taper with some of the very best friends we've made out here.
Although the actual visit with our Durango friends the May-Ostendorps was perfection, my mental state was a bit of a jumbled mess. I'd heard people complain about that last week before the big race because you hardly have to run at all. It can mess with your head because you feel like you're falling out of shape already even though you believe the science of it...resting your body so you can kill the race. At first, I didn't think I was falling prey to the mental challenge. After all, I was having one of the best vacations I could imagine, being completely spoiled by our friends and I didn't have to take much time out of the fun to do any long runs.
As the week went on though I started to dread the race. I wasn't feeling pumped up. I recalled the way I felt in the weeks leading up to giving birth to Owen and found the feelings to be very similar. I knew I could do it..that I was ready and it would all be worth it but knew from experience it was going to hurt like a son of a bitch. It's hard to feel excited about that. I'd also been struggling a bit with a pain in my left foot and although I didn't think it was an injury, it bothered me more often as the miles piled on at the end of my training. I wasn't worried about causing lasting damage to my foot but that the pain would ruin race day for me. To top it off, Owen had a croupy cough for most of the week and spent one night in bed with me literally coughing in my face and all over my pillow. I was terrified of catching his cold.
At the same time, as race day approached I received more and more supportive messages from family and friends near and far. People who believed in me. People who felt proud of me for the training alone. They knew I could do it, but that if for some reason I couldn't, I had already met a life changing goal just by conquering the past 18 weeks. These people reminded me to look at the whole picture and although I felt nervous as hell all the way up to the point in which I jogged past the starting line (I seriously almost threw up at least 5 times that morning) I knew I would not regret my efforts. Thinking back to my first attempt at a marathon in my beloved New York City and how our life has changed since then, I realized this race was somewhat of a farewell to this awe-inspiring state we've been lucky enough to call home for the past 4 years. I wasn't going to let myself forget that.
One of the things I know about myself is that I can get tripped up by negative thinking. Conversely, I've been able to overcome many a challenge when prepared with a strong positive mental trick so I was sure to approach the starting line with one in my pocket. I had gathered 26 of my favorite inspiring quotes and written them down on single note cards. My plan was to take one out at the beginning of each mile and roll it around in my brain until it was time to take another card out at the beginning of the next mile.
It worked like a charm. Here they are:
"This ain't no marathon, it's a SARAHthon. This race is MINE!"
From my brother Ike, master of wordplay. It was so great to enjoy the incredible view from Rim Road at Fort Lewis College (6,500 feet above sea level) while thinking of my big brother.
|La Plata Peak. Just a small section of the breathtaking panoramic view we enjoyed those first couple of miles (I didn't take this picture).|
"Leap, and the net will appear." - John Burroughs
From my friend Don. Fellow runner and former Lion King coworker. Being so high up in the mountains, running on what felt like the edge of the earth, it was impossible not to picture running and jumping right off. Luckily, I knew the net I had cast was made of miles run on solid ground but still, the image made me feel light on my feet and alive.
"Start by doing what is necessary, then do what's possible; and suddenly you're doing the impossible." -Francis of Assisi
From my friend Marisa. Marisa became a dear friend of mine after her son Cameron and Zoe became each others first ever chosen friends. In other words, Cameron was the first best friend Zoe had that she had chosen herself and vice versa. Marisa and I spent a lot of time together talking about the ups and downs life throws at you and I still miss checking in with her regularly. Her insight is always comforting, supportive and kind. Mile 3 was also the moment in which we came down from Rim Road and away from the dazzle the race organizers treated us to at the start of the race. Reality was setting in...this was going to be a long morning. This felt like a solid point of view as I settled in for the journey.
"I took a deep breath and listened to the bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am." - Sylvia Plath
From my friend Jessica. Jessica and I spend a lot of time together. Our girls are as close as any girls their age could possibly be and since we will all be moving in May, we get the girls together as often as possible, knowing as adults how rare it is to find kindred spirits in life. Jessica is a talented writer and has been my biggest cheerleader, supporter and teacher during this new challenge I've set for myself as far as writing goes. She is calm, creative and inspiring and this quote made me think of her and helped me find my rhythm.
"Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar." -Jim Butcher
I found this one while searching for Buddhist quotes. I'm not Buddhist but like many people identify with most of it's teachings. I often feel inspired while reading about Buddhism so knew I'd enjoy mulling over some of the ideas while running. I've tried meditating in quiet rooms and find it very difficult to stop my brain from racing but when I run, my mind slows down and I can finally think clearly. Pushing myself to the max physically somehow allows me to focus spiritually.
"If you want to do something, all you have to do, is do it."
From my Ironman sister, Rachel, my biggest inspiration, trusted mentor and stalwart supporter on this marathon journey. Immediately after I told her I signed up, she sent me my now trusty fuel pack and continued to cheer me on and keep me focused at every twist and turn.
"Take a look above you. Discover the view. If you haven't noticed, please do. Please do. Please do." - Kermit the Frog
From my friend Emily here in Family Housing. The more Em and I get to know each other, the more we realize we are almost the same exact person. We get teary eyed over things like our kids growing out of a favorite pair of pants. We appreciate the beauty of nature and how noticing little things in every day life can jolt you out of a rut and down a more positive path. I loved thinking of her during this mile and was grateful of her reminder. The clouds were soft and whispy and I let myself get lost in the wonder of the sky above me.
"Whether you think you can, or think you can't - you're right." Henry Ford
A classic. This was the first of many I just repeated to myself over and over again for the whole mile. My foot had been hurting since the start and at this point I was getting frustrated. I told myself the pain didn't come close to matching the pain of childbirth and that if I could stand that twice, I could certainly power through this.
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt
Initially I considered shortening this to the last line. I was afraid I would get frustrated by so many words on the card mid run but these long ones served a couple of purposes. I spent the first couple of minutes just trying to memorize them before really thinking much about them...it was a great way to switch my focus from the pain in my foot to something else. After I had it memorized I could enjoy finding inspiration within the words.
"We know what we are but not what we may be." - William Shakespeare
From my therapist, Kristi Pikiewicz. I'm including her full name with a link to her website for those of you who are local and looking for someone completely awesome to help organize your thoughts. She is a mother and a runner (and member of Boulder Moms RUN This Town, by the way) and I warned her that if this went badly I would most definitely be blaming her. Without her support and advice this would not (along with Raising Little Heroes, as a matter of fact) have happened. She was able to recognize a part of me still wanted to run a marathon and believed without a doubt I was strong enough to do it.
"Flow with whatever may happen, and let your mind be free: Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate." -Zhuangzi
Another buddhist quote I found while searching and another I memorized and repeated, this time in a whisper. The pain in my foot had blended with pain and fatigue in the rest of my body and I was starting to lose some mental footing as well. This was the beginning of a lonely 10 mile out and back (which I HATE). No shade. Downhill on the way out, uphill on the way back. I was going down hills unable to enjoy them because I knew I'd be turning around and going right back up. This quote helped me focus on the downhills and accept I couldn't change the course. All I could do was to do what I was doing.
"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." -John Bingham
-"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you will land among the stars." -Les Brown
I was reluctant to include this because I didn't want to give myself permission to walk. I've always struggled with the feeling I've failed a race or run if I walk at all, even though I don't logically believe this. One of my goals for this race was to embrace walking and to not let myself feel defeated if I had to. I wasn't walking here, but was feeling sure I would have to for at least some of the brutal uphill return.
-"Methinks that the moment my legs began to move, my thoughts began to flow." -Henry David Thoreau
Yup, pretty much
-"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become." -Guatama Buddha
The beginning of the uphill return and when I started peppering my slow pace with a bit of walking. This quote helped remind me I had a choice: I could feel proud of my hard work and all I was accomplishing and accept that success doesn't come in a standard mold or I could feel like a failure. It wasn't an instant change of heart but it helped keep me brave enough to run again after my walk breaks.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." -Joseph Campbell
I focused my memory on the 3 most magical, euphoric days of my life: my wedding day, the day Zoe was born and the day Owen was born. I let my memories flood my mind and relived the joy. It totally worked.
"What we achieve inwardly will change our outer reality." -Plutarch
Another one that helped get me to a place of acceptance, appreciation and pride. I was still going uphill and walking some (I probably walked a total of 1.5 miles but was afraid walking would feel so good I'd stop pushing myself) and needed to be reminded that how I felt about my performance was completely in my hands.
"Believe you can and you're halfway there." -Theodore Roosevelt
"To uncover your true potential you must first find your own limits and then you have to have the courage to blow past them." -Picabo Street
From my friend Gretchen. Gretchen is an amazing athlete. She kicked ass as a swimmer in college and lived the kind of dedicated life as an athlete that most of us would run crying in self pity from. She is strong and brave and when she tells me she believes in me, I feel like a superstar.
"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." -T.S. Eliot
When I found this one in my searching I knew it would strike a chord with me on race day. I was lucky I chose to write it on the Mile 20 card because it came at the perfect time. The official end of the out and back, I now had the home stretch in front of me. Nathan, Mariah and the kids were there to give me a cold drink and walked with me a few paces, the kids filling me in on the days events so far. Hearing their voices centered me and brought me back to who I know I am. A strong woman and mother. I had walked more than I'd hoped and it would have felt wonderful to stop right there and continue talking with them, but I had to finish what I'd started. I dug deep and kept running.
"I believe in redefining my impossible." -Nike
I felt unsure about including this one because I felt a little cheesy including a quote from Nike. I'm so glad I kept it. I literally chanted this out loud the whole mile (there were so few runners in this race, I was completely alone through most of it.)
"Preoccupied with a single leaf you won't see the tree." -Vagabond
Drove the point home that my success wasn't dependent upon how much I did or didn't walk. It was the complete picture. The decision to sign up in the first place through to this moment where I was still running even though my body and mind wanted to stop.
"Human beings are made up of flesh and blood, and a miracle fiber called courage." -George Patton
Beginning to believe I could be included in this sentiment.
"All it takes is all you got." -Marc Davis
"Anything easy, ain't worth a damn." -Woody Hayes
Another from Gretchen. Not much thinking happening at this point. Just all guts and insane determination.
"Pain is temporary...pride is forever."
From Nathan. He saw this on the shirt of a fellow runner in his marathon and told me about it afterwards. Due to have Zoe any minute I asked him to remind me of it during labor. He did, but it didn't hit the mark for me during that particular form of pain. I had forgotten about it until he reminded me a couple of weeks before my marathon. It's perfect. Funny thing is, I had somehow gotten myself behind a mile mentally ("Did I just finish this mile or am I just starting it??") and thought I had 1.2 miles left when I came around a corner to find Mariah and her kids with Zoe. The plan was that Zoe was going to jump in and run the last .2 with me and when I saw them, I called out to Mariah: "I thought I had one more mile??" to which she said "Nope! It's RIGHT DOWN THERE!!"...I made her promise while Zoe trotted along beside me. Mariah, the ever steady and loyal friend I am lucky enough to have promised me and then bolted ahead to the finish with her kids so that they could be there to cheer us across the finish line. I was sure to appreciate my last mantra while chatting with Zoe and thanking her for helping me through the last bit.
We rounded the corner to the finish area and were treated to our support crew, cheering and ringing those cow bells. I smiled and smiled as we ran down the last stretch hearing the announcer saying "HERE SHE COMES! MOM WITH HER FUTURE MARATHON RUNNER! WAY TO GO, MOM!! FROM BOULDER, COLORADO! SARAH STITH!!" and as I crossed the finish line: "3rd IN HER AGE GROUP!!" I almost laughed out loud at that as a volunteer floated up to me, handing me a little prize for placing. I knew the whole way by the tiny number of participants that this might be my one and only chance to actually place but had forgotten until I heard it. Right away I knew it was entirely possible there were only 3 people actually in my age group (there were 4--woohoo!) but I didn't care. It was so much fun and I felt so proud.
I'll never do it again. I know what you are saying: "Never say never" but to that I say "Never again" again. I am so glad I did it. I feel so proud to have worked so hard and I truly left everything out on that course. The journey was one of the most rewarding and unique of my adult life but once is enough. I'll find another challenge but you can bet your ass I ain't running that freaking far ever again.