Running Mama

When I was pregnant with my first, I swore I'd be one of those women who wouldn't let her running fall by the wayside.  Sure, I'd take 6 weeks off, but then I'd throw those running shoes back on.  I’d read about women like that.  It was just a matter of determination...

…then the baby arrived...

I'd been put into a shoebox, flipped over and spun around.  Every single thing I had done previously seemed impossible now.  It took me 45 minutes to prepare to meet a friend 3 blocks away…I couldn’t figure out how to make food and actually eat it...I braced myself for toe curling pain every time my tiny insatiable being dared need nourishment.

***To continue reading this post, check out the full version over at Mile High Mamas***

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Warning:  I'm seriously getting some stuff off my chest here, all in an attempt to head down a more positive road.  I'm letting it fly in the hopes freeing myself of it will help me feel a little lighter.  I know about "thinking positively" and "making the most of things" and I'm trying, believe me.  I'm not going to counter each of my thoughts in this post with the positive outlook but I do know it and believe in it's power.  Sometimes you have to just let it all out though.  In other words, if after reading this you feel compelled to show me a little love and support, just know I don't need reminders.  I'm reminding myself every time these stressful thoughts take over my day.  All I need right now are virtual hugs (not in person ones--those might make me cry ;-)) and/or recommendations for reading material about coping with this kind of thing, especially as a parent.  Anyway... 

This probably isn't news to many of you, but I realized last night I am completely freaking out.  I'm stressed.  I'm scared.  The worst part for me?  I don't know how to fix it.  I can feel the tension collecting and taking over my body and mind and I'm starting to worry I can't stop the ball rolling.  I know the stuff that works for me usually, but this situation we're in right now is a hard one to calm down about.  In just a few short months, we will be packing up our apartment and moving somewhere and we have no idea where the fuck that is.  It could be someplace we are really excited about and it could very well be someplace we are not excited about.  At all.  Like, the complete opposite of excited.  One option is just as possible as the other as is everything in between.  To top it off, no matter where we are going we will have to be saying goodbye to a place we've come to love and call home.  We've grown tiny roots and nurtured the soil around them because our kids are living their lives and making memories here.  We have to commit to living fully so they can look upon this time with warmth and fondness.  When I commit to living fully in a community, I really commit so I personally have a lot of things in my life here I can't believe I'm going to have to say goodbye to.  If we are going someplace we are excited about, it will take the sting out big time but if we are not...well, how would you handle that?

There is definitely a little flame of excitement somewhere in me, which gives me hope.  I'm tending to that flame so it'll catch, burn and stay steady without me having to work at it as much as I need to right now.  I'm not sure that's going to be possible until we know where we are going though, and that is wearing me out I think.  It's hard work, caring for that little, precarious flame and I worry if I stop to catch my breath, it might go out.  So, I keep at it even when I start to feel dizzy.  True, I could ask Nathan to work at it for a while but the thing is, he's got his own little fire he's trying to sustain.  We help each other as much as possible but are both working hard and feeling a little woozy.

So, counterintuitive as it may seem, I'm keeping myself really, really busy.  I embrace the bit of running around I do to get both kids to and from school and welcome the confusion that adding a couple after/before school classes brings to the mix.  I invite the kids' friends over so the house can be chaotic (something that brings me comfort, being 1 of 7 children), I take care of work obligations and sign up and train for races.  These are things I can wrap my brain around.  Fitting it all in and figuring it out is a challenge that is in front of me, and overwhelming as it is at times, at least the pieces are all there.  It takes energy, but I can put it together every day and start over again the next.

Is my temper quicker than I would like it to be?  It is (just ask my friends and coworkers, right guys?  Guys?....You still there, guys?....).  Do I post too much on Facebook, looking to distract my wandering mind as much as possible?  Yep (so sue me).  Am I tending to have an extra glass of wine more nights than I mean to?  Uh-huh (but I'm keeping tabs on that, no worries).  It could be worse, and I just keep reminding myself that anyone in this position would be freaking out so it's okay.  It's to be expected, so.....deep breath....

Whenever I can, I lose myself in my kids.  I take my own advice as I hear myself tell them to remember "Wherever we go, we go together.  Always.  That's the most important thing."

I soak in the preciousness that is Owen running outside on a windy day, holding firmly to the top of his head sincerely asking me every 2 minutes, "Is my new haircut still there?"

I ask for hugs from the kids because they not only squeeze just tightly enough but they laugh hysterically while doing so.  Music to any parent's ears.

I let myself find pleasure in contemplating how interesting it is that when I am asked to draw "mountains" I draw the same thing I have all my life since being a kid in Vermont:

But, when my Colorado kiddo is faced with the same request, she draws this:

2 mountain states, 2 happy childhoods.  We're makin' it happen no matter what, 1 day at a time.

More Jolly, Less Jiggle Holiday Challenge

Just before Thanksgiving this year, a friend posted a link to a holiday running challenge on Facebook.  I checked it out right away because I've been worried about staying on track now that my marathon has come and gone and I have no desire whatsoever to ever ever run that far again.  I'm so glad I did it once but once is plenty for me.  The problem is, since I've never been fast I've learned to embrace not caring a lick about pace so the way I've pushed myself has been to go farther...and farther...so.....what now?

Anyway, the idea of a challenge during the holiday season was perfect for me but once again this pesky grad school budget we're on kept me from signing up because there was a fee attached.  I don't pay for anything if I can help it so didn't sign up even though I really wanted to.  Then I realized I could just create my own challenge and invite a few friends to join me to keep me honest.  So, I posted the idea on the Facebook page of a running group I joined while training for my fall marathon, Boulder, CO Moms Run This Town and within a half hour had an overwhelming amount of fellow challengers, committing to run either 30+ (aka "Determined Mamas") or 60+ (aka "Hard Core Mamas") miles between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I can't tell you how grateful I felt for this group of women.  There were at least a few days, including one -15 degree morning, when I would have surely stayed in bed if I had been attempting this on my own.  The idea of logging my miles after my run was enough to peel me out of bed and bundle up and I was not sorry once...well, maybe that -15 degree day I was a little sorry, but I learned from the experience and was eventually able to see why even that day hadn't been a mistake.

I also had a great time thinking up ideas during my runs about how to celebrate our accomplishment.  We set a date for a get together and I decided to make it a mini closing ceremony complete with a trophy for the person who ran the most miles and t-shirts for the top three mileage loggers.  Everyone who completed the challenge also got a certificate and a couple of members even donated prizes for a raffle. We had our celebration today and a lot of people thanked me for all the hard work I put into it, but I have to say it didn't feel like work at all.  The prizes and certificates were super easy and cheap to make (the trophy was only $8 or so, ordered online) so it was nothin' but fun.

So, thanks to all of my fellow challengers for participating.  I'd better be reading about the repeat challenge next holiday season from wherever the hell we are living at that point.  Maybe I'll even start one in that new mystery place and we can cheer each other on again.

On treadmills, trails, sidewalks and roads in temperatures as low as -15 degrees...from Boulder to Erie to Westminster...from Broomfield to Thornton, Lafayette, Englewood, Arvada, Superior, Colorado Springs and Tarrytown, NY..together we ran 1,734.4 miles between Thanksgiving and Christmas 2013

Love to you all--keep on truckin'! 

Party goers

Now these are some badass mothers here.  If you ask me, the kids are pretty cute too.

Handing out certificates

Top 3!

Amazing ladies!!

Backs of the top 3 shirts..I  made these with iron-on transfer  paper.  Really easy and you can find the paper and shirts at a craft store like Jo-Ann's

Front of shirts

Front of the certificates.  I told the group I loved them without having met most of them because they don't think it's totally weird I presented a certificate to myself for a challenge I totally made up!

Back of the certificates.  On the spreadsheet where we logged our mileage, I asked everyone to say in 1-3 words why they were doing the challenge.  I made the responses into a word cloud at ABCya!  Yay us!

Shame on you, Santa

We've had a really nice holiday season so far this year.  Although Nathan has had to work most weeknights until after we are all in bed, he is still home more than he was last year when he worked on a holiday show up on campus.  We have felt thankful to enjoy our favorite time of year together again.

Today, we went to Pearl Street to visit Santa (at long last!).  The kids patiently waited in line to see him and were both able to muster the courage (actually Owen didn't have to muster at all--he was at the ready) to sit on his lap and tell him what they'd planned to tell him.  Owen told him he would like "a pig that moves under the tree and a surprise in his stocking" and Zoe "a ukelele and a book that teaches how to play it".

Almost there!

Zoe had to watch Owen chat with him for a bit before she felt comfortable

After we left, Owen told Nathan he thinks Santa is a really nice guy but that "his breath smelled bad".  To add insult to injury, Santa had asked the obviously NOT pregnant mom in front of us if she was expecting another baby and then, after she said no, told her it "must be left over from the last one" (AAAHHH!!).  He clearly felt bad but dealt with his discomfort by trying to find something to say that would  make it better so went on to awkwardly spew stupid nonsensical statements like "they used to give us a stethoscope.."(??) ..listen, as someone this happens to quite frequently, let me give you a little hint: if you happen to make the same mistake Santa did today, please know there is nothing you can do to take it back once the words have passed your  lips.  The only thing the woman wants is for you to go away.  If you can't go away immediately after giving a very simple apology, then please just SHUT THE HELL UP.  The damage is done and you can't take it back.  It may take awhile for the woman to get over hearing the words come out of your mouth while looking her straight in the face.  Add to that having to deal with answering your question without punching you in the face and just realize you should stop bringing attention to it and say no more words. At all.

As that family left, I gave the mom's arm a squeeze and told her it happens to me all the time but never from freaking SANTA.  She was obviously pissed at him but kept it in for the sake of her (and all of ours actually) kids.  When we got home, I couldn't help but wish I had said something in the moment.  Nothing nasty or confrontational but I wish, when it became clear he was trying to "fix" his mistake, that I would have said "Okay, move on" or something but I guess in the end that would have made it worse too.  *sigh*

Anyway, when we got home Owen and I finished up the gifts he is giving his preschool teachers.  For some reason, thinking up teacher gifts terrifies me.  I usually end up doing something lame because I can't think of anything good.  It's partly because we are already spending a ton of money when we literally have none (actually we technically have negative dollars) and spending more on several people is very stressful.  Don't get me wrong, the work our teachers do is worth way more money than they get paid and if I was able to, I would give them mountains of cash but...well, you know what I mean. So stressful!  Somehow though, this thought popped into my head this year to make homemade brownie mix with Owen for them and I think they are going to love it (his teachers love anything and everything we and the kids are able to do, but you know).

I wanted to put them in jars but the ones we have on hand weren't big enough.  Instead, I wrote the instructions on one side of a ziplock bag and had Owen draw a picture on the other side.  After we filled the bags, I rolled them up and tied them with ribbon.  They honestly don't look very nice (there's a reason I'm not sharing a photo of the finished product) but I think the teachers will appreciate the work Owen put into them.

He helped fill the bags...

..and did the shakin'!

Then this evening, we were treated to yet another lovely community event at Zoe's school, BCSIS (Boulder Community School of Integrated Studies), a Waldorf inspired school.  One of the many reasons we love the school is it's reverence for nature.  Over the last few years we have enjoyed including winter solstice celebrations in our holiday traditions and BCSIS's community events fit right in with these new traditions of ours.

This evening's event was called "Spiral Garden", and is intended "to illuminate our inner light and radiate it outward into the world"...yeah, I so wish we had more than one year at this school...

The room was quiet, and as we entered, the kids sat around the advent spiral while the parents took seats behind them.

A story/shadow puppet show about a journey towards finding inner light and sharing it

As a musician played beautifully on her harp, each child got to take their own journey through the advent spiral to the middle, where they chose a crystal out of a bowl on the table.  As you can see, siblings were welcome to join!

I'm getting better at this, but I sure wish I knew when to stop trying to get a good picture and just enjoy the moment.  Our kids were done with their journey and I realized I hadn't really watched them.  Another parent whispered "they were so cute!" to me, and I felt so sad I hadn't seen what she had.

Nathan and I quietly laughed when Zoe's buddies got up for their turn and she loudly whispered "GOOD LUCK!!!"

This table was at the entrance of the school.  Just lovely!

Hope you are all able to enjoy this time of year in the way you and your family like to--happy season!

Forgiveness

"Forgiving is not about forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt." ~ Mary McLeod Bethune

"Forgiveness... is a willingness to get over what you think should have happened and an acceptance of the reality of what actually happened."  ~  Rhonda Britten

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."  ~  Lewis B. Smedes

I've lately been thinking a lot on forgiveness.  The concept has always eluded me, allowing me to understand in fits and starts but never completely.  I don't consider myself a person prone to holding a grudge. I find it easy to give people the benefit of the doubt, but most of the people in my life are pretty good at apologizing.  We all make mistakes and giving people room to be imperfect is important to me, not only because it's the right thing to do but because I hope people will do the same for me. 

For a long time now though, I've had someone in my life I could not seem to forgive.  The relationship has gone through many stages and there have been times when I've thought I'd managed to forgive only to prove myself wrong over and over again.  I told myself I was detached but could feel anger and resentment bubbling at my core under thick layers of  feigned disinterest.  I've mulled it over for years and have come to the conclusion that although the situation is muddled, I've mostly been waiting for a humble apology.  If only I could hear the words "I'm sorry" I could let it all go...

...but those words have never come...and never will come.  I've known this to be true all along and have let it feed my anger, in part, because the picture I have of myself includes this anger.  The emotion has been there so long, it's intricately weaved into my very being. Much like the way I thought about cigarettes in the years I spent trying to quit before I was actually able to: "If I'm not a smoker, than who am I?". The fear of letting go of deep seeded emotion is the same: "If I'm not angry, then what am I?"..."Does that mean what happened was okay?"..."That I don't care anymore?"..."That I've been wrong all this time?"

Finally.  FINALLY.  I get it.  I'm not sure what happened but it has again reminded me of when I gave up smoking once and for all.  I just...did. I stopped.  I knew I had to do it and have not had a single puff since (or been tempted to).  Circumstances had not changed dramatically at the time and I still can't explain why, after many attempts and failures, I was able to take charge but I don't feel compelled to find the reason.  The important thing is that I did it.  I gave it up. I don't let myself forget that at any moment I could be surprised by the urge to smoke, no matter how far removed I am from it, so always have my guard up but smoking is most definitely not a part of my life anymore.  8 or 9 years later, I still feel the freedom of my choice to quit.  I feel grateful every time I smell a cigarette or see people huddled in a cold corner outside the grocery store, feeding their addiction, that cigarettes no longer rule my life.

I realize I just took my first few steps down this new path of forgiveness and that at any moment, I could be surprised by my anger but I feel hopeful.  I know now that I am capable of letting go of the past while not forgetting it.  That I can stop waiting for an apology and find happiness in the relationship.  That forgiving does not mean excusing but accepting.  That I can live in the moment honestly without getting the closure I've been waiting for.  I'm grateful for this not only because it's the right thing to do but because I know being free of the weight of resentment allows me to soar higher than I ever thought I could. Thank goodness for that.

Underwater Portal

"Underwater" by Amy Shane, Shutter Couture Photography

"I get my best ideas when I'm underwater." My four year old daughter said after dunking her head in the bathtub. Struck by her musing, I could only tell her I knew what she meant. I feel most centered when submerged in quiet water, no mask or snorkle and not moving a muscle. Hair floating in whatever way the water holds it, body free of the strain of gravity. Complete and true silence.

My daughter has a powerful  bond with books so I knew most likely she was repeating a line from a recent favorite but I felt a connection with her all the same.

She often does this. Repeats and retells little snippets of the stories we read together. I'll never know for sure why she does but sometimes I could swear I'm hearing the voice of a wise soul. Speaking truth before life convinces her to hold back.

I know well enough to consider it's more likely I'm projecting. I look for connections between myself as a child and the one before me now. I feel the unresolved internal conflict I experienced growing up and devote my life as a mother to relieving my precious baby of the same struggles. Then I dig deeper and realize I'm still trying to find my own voice. To buoy courage that is drowning in fathoms of self doubt.

Underwater. Silence. Tranquility. Temporary clarity. A world of promise and alternate truth, only attainable for as long as you can comfortably hold your breath.

26.2

The year before I became pregnant with Zoe (7 years ago now?) I earned a number in the New York City Marathon.  Not by running fast enough to qualify of course, but Nathan and I spent that year running enough New York Road Runners races to earn a number.  Shortly after doing so, I found out I was pregnant so supported and cheered Nathan on as he trained and then ran it just a couple of weeks before Zoe was born.  I wasn't disappointed because I was more than thrilled to be having a baby but vowed to run it at some point in the future.  If you don't use your entry, you can defer until the next year.  I did that for a few years, even after we moved out here to Colorado but finally let it go, realizing it was silly to keep paying the entry fee each year.  I told myself it was okay because I didn't live in New York anymore and it wouldn't feel as special going back to do it.  If I ever decided to run a marathon I could find one out here.  After a few years of being sure I was past the urge to do one, I signed up for the Durango Double on a whim the evening of my birthday 6 months ago.

Training lasted 18 weeks and was a roller coaster.  In my best moments, I felt I could conquer the world and at my worst like I had jumped in waaaaay over my head.  During more than 1 long run, I found myself wondering if I "had the stuff" to participate at all.  I knew I was tough but wasn't sure my body could physically handle 26.2 miles.  I made it through 17 weeks though and found myself in that last week, enjoying my taper with some of the very best friends we've made out here.

Although the actual visit with our Durango friends the May-Ostendorps was perfection, my mental state was a bit of a jumbled mess.  I'd heard people complain about that last week before the big race because you hardly have to run at all.  It can mess with your head because you feel like you're falling out of shape already even though you believe the science of it...resting your body so you can kill the race.  At first, I didn't think I was falling prey to the mental challenge.  After all, I was having one of the best vacations I could imagine, being completely spoiled by our friends and I didn't have to take much time out of the fun to do any long runs.

As the week went on though I started to dread the race.  I wasn't feeling pumped up.  I recalled the way I felt in the weeks leading up to giving birth to Owen and found the feelings to be very similar.  I knew I could do it..that I was ready and it would all be worth it but knew from experience it was going to hurt like a son of a bitch.  It's hard to feel excited about that.  I'd also been struggling a bit with a pain in my left foot and although I didn't think it was an injury, it bothered me more often as the miles piled on at the end of my training.  I wasn't worried about causing lasting damage to my foot but that the pain would ruin race day for me.  To top it off, Owen had a croupy cough for most of the week and spent one night in bed with me literally coughing in my face and all over my pillow.  I was terrified of catching his cold.

At the same time, as race day approached I received more and more supportive messages from family and friends near and far.  People who believed in me.  People who felt proud of me for the training alone.  They knew I could do it, but that if for some reason I couldn't, I had already met a life changing goal just by conquering the past 18 weeks. These people reminded me to look at the whole picture and although I felt nervous as hell all the way up to the point in which I jogged past the starting line (I seriously almost threw up at least 5 times that morning) I knew I would not regret my efforts.  Thinking back to my first attempt at a marathon in my beloved New York City and how our life has changed since then, I realized this race was somewhat of a farewell to this awe-inspiring state we've been lucky enough to call home for the past 4 years.  I wasn't going to let myself  forget that.

One of the things I know about myself is that I can get tripped up by negative thinking.  Conversely, I've been able to overcome many a challenge when prepared with a strong positive mental trick so I was sure to approach the starting line with one in my pocket.  I had gathered 26 of my favorite inspiring quotes and written them down on single note cards.  My plan was to take one out at the beginning of each mile and roll it around in my brain until it was time to take another card out at the beginning of the next mile.

It worked like a charm.  Here they are:

Mile 1
"This ain't no marathon, it's a SARAHthon.  This race is MINE!"

From my brother Ike, master of wordplay.  It was so great to enjoy the incredible view from Rim Road at Fort Lewis College (6,500 feet above sea level) while thinking of my big brother.

La Plata Peak.  Just a small section of the breathtaking panoramic view we enjoyed those first couple of miles (I didn't take this picture).

Mile 2
"Leap, and the net will appear." - John Burroughs


From my friend Don.  Fellow runner and former Lion King coworker. Being so high up in the mountains, running on what felt like the edge of the earth, it was impossible not to picture running and jumping right off.  Luckily, I knew the net I had cast was made of miles run on solid ground but still, the image made me feel light on my feet and alive.

Mile 3
"Start by doing what is necessary, then do what's possible; and suddenly you're doing the impossible." -Francis of Assisi

From my friend Marisa.  Marisa became a dear friend of mine after her son Cameron and Zoe became each others first ever chosen friends.  In other words, Cameron was the first best friend Zoe had that she had chosen herself and vice versa.  Marisa and I spent a lot of time together talking about the ups and downs life throws at you and I still miss checking in with her regularly.  Her insight is always comforting, supportive and kind.  Mile 3 was also the moment in which we came down from Rim Road and away from the dazzle the race organizers treated us to at the start of the race.  Reality was setting in...this was going to be a long morning.  This felt like a solid point of view as I settled in for the journey.

Mile 4
"I took a deep breath and listened to the bray of my heart.  I am.  I am.  I am." - Sylvia Plath

From my friend Jessica.  Jessica and I spend a lot of time together.  Our girls are as close as any girls their age could possibly be and since we will all be moving in May, we get the girls together as often as possible, knowing as adults how rare it is to find kindred spirits in life.  Jessica is a talented writer and has been my biggest cheerleader, supporter and teacher during this new challenge I've set for myself as far as writing goes.  She is calm, creative and inspiring and this quote made me think of her and helped me find my rhythm.

Mile 5
"Life is a journey.  Time is a river.  The door is ajar." -Jim Butcher

I found this one while searching for Buddhist quotes.  I'm not Buddhist but like many people identify with most of it's teachings.  I often feel inspired while reading about Buddhism so knew I'd enjoy mulling over some of the ideas while running.  I've tried meditating in quiet rooms and find it very difficult to stop my brain from racing but when I run, my mind slows down and I can finally think clearly.  Pushing myself to the max physically somehow allows me to focus spiritually.

Mile 6
"If you want to do something, all you have to do, is do it."

From my Ironman sister, Rachel, my biggest inspiration, trusted mentor and stalwart supporter on this marathon journey.  Immediately after I told her I signed up, she sent me my now trusty fuel pack and continued to cheer me on and keep me focused at every twist and turn.

Mile 7
"Take a look above you.  Discover the view.  If you haven't noticed, please do.  Please do.  Please do." - Kermit the Frog

From my friend Emily here in Family Housing.  The more Em and I get to know each other, the more we realize we are almost the same exact person.  We get teary eyed over things like our kids growing out of a favorite pair of pants.  We appreciate the beauty of nature and how noticing little things in every day life can jolt you out of a rut and down a more positive path.  I loved thinking of her during this mile and was grateful of her reminder.  The clouds were soft and whispy and I let myself get lost in the wonder of the sky above me.

Mile 8
"Whether you think you can, or think you can't - you're right." Henry Ford

A classic.  This was the first of many I just repeated to myself over and over again for the whole mile.  My foot had been hurting since the start and at this point I was getting frustrated.  I told myself the pain didn't come close to matching the pain of childbirth and that if I could stand that twice, I could certainly power through this.

Mile 9
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Initially I considered shortening this to the last line.  I was afraid I would get frustrated by so many words on the card mid run but these long ones served a couple of purposes.  I spent the first couple of minutes just trying to memorize them before really thinking much about them...it was a great way to switch my focus from the pain in my foot to something else.  After I had it memorized I could enjoy finding inspiration within the words.

Mile 10
"We know what we are but not what we may be." - William Shakespeare

From my therapist, Kristi Pikiewicz.  I'm including her full name with a link to her website for those of you who are local and looking for someone completely awesome to help organize your thoughts.  She is a mother and a runner (and member of Boulder Moms RUN This Town, by the way) and I warned her that if this went badly I would most definitely be blaming her.  Without her support and advice this would not (along with Raising Little Heroes, as a matter of fact) have happened.  She was able to recognize a part of me still wanted to run a marathon and believed without a doubt I was strong enough to do it.

Mile 11
"Flow with whatever may happen, and let your mind be free:  Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing.  This is the ultimate."  -Zhuangzi

Another buddhist quote I found while searching and another I memorized and repeated, this time in a whisper.  The pain in my foot had blended with pain and fatigue in the rest of my body and I was starting to lose some mental footing as well.  This was the beginning of a lonely 10 mile out and back (which I HATE).  No shade.  Downhill on the way out, uphill on the way back.  I was going down hills unable to enjoy them because I knew I'd be turning around and going  right back up.  This quote helped me focus on the downhills and accept I couldn't change the course.  All I could do was to do what I was doing.

Mile 12
"The miracle isn't that I finished.  The miracle is that I had the courage to start."  -John Bingham

Mantra

Mile 13
-"Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss it you will land among the stars."  -Les Brown

I was reluctant to include this because I didn't want to give myself permission to walk.  I've always struggled with the feeling I've failed a race or run if I walk at all, even though I don't logically believe this.  One of my goals for this race was to embrace walking and to not let myself feel defeated if I had to.  I wasn't walking here, but was feeling sure I would have to for at least some of the brutal uphill return.

Mile 14
-"Methinks that the moment my legs began to move, my thoughts began to flow."  -Henry David Thoreau

Yup, pretty much

Mile 15
-"All that we are is the result of what we have thought.  The mind is everything.  What we think we become."  -Guatama Buddha

The beginning of the uphill return and when I started peppering my slow pace with a bit of walking.  This quote helped remind me I had a choice:  I could feel proud of my hard work and all I was accomplishing and accept that success doesn't come in a standard mold or I could feel like a failure.  It wasn't an instant change of heart but it helped keep me brave enough to run again after my walk breaks.

Mile 16
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." -Joseph Campbell

I focused my memory on the 3 most magical, euphoric days of my life:  my wedding day, the day Zoe was born and the day Owen was born.  I let my memories flood my mind and relived the joy.  It totally worked.

Mile 17
"What we achieve inwardly will change our outer reality." -Plutarch

Another one that helped get me to a place of acceptance, appreciation and pride.  I was still going uphill  and walking some (I probably walked a total of 1.5 miles but was afraid walking would feel so good I'd stop pushing myself) and needed to be reminded that how I felt about my performance was completely in my hands.

Mile 18
"Believe you can and you're halfway there."  -Theodore Roosevelt

'nuff said

Mile 19
"To uncover your true potential you must first find your own limits and then you have to have the courage to blow past them."  -Picabo Street

From my friend Gretchen.  Gretchen is an amazing athlete.  She kicked ass as a swimmer in college and lived the kind of dedicated life as an athlete that most of us would run crying in self pity from.  She is strong and brave and when she tells me she believes in me, I feel like a superstar.

Mile 20
"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." -T.S. Eliot

When I found this one in my searching I  knew it would strike a chord with me on race day.  I was lucky I chose to write it on the Mile 20 card because it came at the perfect time.  The official end of the out and back, I now had the home stretch in front of me.  Nathan, Mariah and the kids were there to give me a cold drink and walked with me a few paces, the kids filling me in on the days events so far.  Hearing their voices centered me and brought me back to who I know I  am.  A strong woman and mother.  I had walked more than I'd hoped and it would have felt wonderful to stop right there and continue talking with them, but I had to finish what I'd started.  I dug deep and kept running.

Mile 21
"I  believe in redefining my impossible."  -Nike

I felt unsure about including this one because I felt a little cheesy including a quote from Nike.  I'm so glad I kept it.  I literally chanted this out loud the whole mile (there were so few runners in this race, I was completely alone through most of it.)

Mile 22
"Preoccupied with a single leaf you won't  see the tree."  -Vagabond

Drove the point home that my success wasn't dependent upon how much I did or didn't walk.  It was the complete picture.  The decision to sign up in the first place through to this moment where I was still running even though my body and mind wanted to stop.

Mile 23
"Human beings are made up of flesh and blood, and a miracle fiber called courage." -George Patton

Beginning to believe I could be included in this sentiment.

Mile 24
"All it takes is all you got."  -Marc Davis

Mantra

Mile 25
 "Anything easy, ain't worth a damn." -Woody Hayes

Another from Gretchen.  Not much thinking happening at this point.  Just all guts and insane determination.

Mile 26
"Pain is temporary...pride is forever."

From Nathan.  He saw this on the shirt of a fellow runner in his marathon and told me about it afterwards.  Due to have Zoe any minute I asked him to remind me of it during labor.  He did, but it didn't hit the mark for me during that particular form of pain.  I had forgotten about it until he reminded me a couple of weeks before my marathon.  It's perfect.  Funny thing is, I had somehow gotten myself behind a mile mentally ("Did I just finish this mile or am I just starting it??") and thought I had 1.2 miles left when I came around a corner to find Mariah and her kids with Zoe.  The plan was that Zoe was going to jump in and run the last .2 with me and when I saw them, I called out to Mariah: "I thought I had one more mile??" to which she said "Nope!  It's RIGHT DOWN THERE!!"...I made her promise while Zoe trotted along beside me.  Mariah, the ever steady and loyal friend I am lucky enough to have promised me and then bolted ahead to the finish with her kids so that they could be there to cheer us across the finish line.  I was sure to appreciate my last mantra while chatting with Zoe and thanking her for helping me through the last bit.

We rounded the corner to the finish area and were treated to our support crew, cheering and ringing those cow bells.  I smiled and smiled as we ran down the last stretch hearing the announcer saying "HERE SHE COMES!  MOM WITH HER FUTURE MARATHON RUNNER! WAY TO GO, MOM!! FROM BOULDER, COLORADO! SARAH STITH!!" and as I crossed the finish line: "3rd IN HER AGE GROUP!!"  I almost laughed out loud at that as a volunteer floated up to me, handing me a little prize for placing.  I knew the whole way by the tiny number of participants that this might be my one and only chance to actually place but had forgotten until I heard it.  Right away I knew it was entirely possible there were only 3 people actually in my age group (there were 4--woohoo!) but I didn't care.  It was so much fun and I felt so proud.

I'll never do it again.  I know what you are saying: "Never say never" but to that I say "Never again" again.  I am so glad I did it.  I feel so proud to have worked so hard and I truly left everything out on that course. The journey was one of the most rewarding and unique of my adult life but once is enough.  I'll find another challenge but you can bet your ass I ain't running that freaking far ever again.