Hitting the Wall

I'm not quite there yet, but am definitely on the verge of changing my approach to this whole "sleeping" thing...or, in our case this whole "NOT-sleeping" thing.  I can honestly say that I've been able to stay fairly positive about it all so far, but along with that (and I promise it's not that I've been in denial or suppressing bad feelings/attitudes) has for sure been a hope that it will all turn around any day.  I always find that it's so much easier to take things in stride and stay relaxed if I put the effort into looking on the bright side, or at the very least, not focus on the negative.  I try to live my life this way in general, and have been really putting it to the test when it comes to my nighttime parenting these days.  Sometimes though....sometimes....I just don't have the energy, or things get to "that point" or a combination of those and I have a day like today where I apologized to Zoe at least 4 times for being grouchy, gorged on chocolate chips and cookie dough and called my Mommy.  I almost hesitate to even talk about it because I'm not looking for advice.  I read books and talked to other parents about sleep stuff so much when Zoe was a baby, and have done a little more of that this time around, so I know what my options are.  I know about and understand all the approaches and different theories and I know how I feel about all of them.  I know about crying it out, and I know about attachment parenting and I know that my own personal philosophy is floating around in bits and pieces somewhere in the middle of all that.  Which is basically to say that I don't really know how the hell I feel like handling this and I don't want another person or book to tell me what worked for them or what studies show is best.  I just want to sulk about it and vent about it and get through this time with as much positivity as I can muster, all the while staying truthful about how fucking hard it is. 

On days like this I try to focus on little things that make me smile.  Since my life right now is pretty much all about the kids, these are usually things that they've done or said.  For instance, the other day we went to the Nature and Science Museum in Denver (where I unknowingly dressed Owen and I in matching stripes.  You know how much I love that.  I realized it after hearing at least two old ladies say "Oh look--they're matching!  Grrrr). Among all the other cool stuff, we checked out the pirate exhibit they have going on right now.  It's not that great an exhibit, and Zoe was pretty freaked out the whole time and kept her eyes shut while we whisked our way through but it made for a lot of conversation on the subject in the car on the way home.  At one point, she was asking what happened to the people that had been on the sunken pirate ship which was the subject of the exhibition.  I didn't have the heart (guts) to tell her that most of them died, so I said that they probably just swam away (pathetic, I know).  She was pretty sure, though, that they couldn't have because they had hats on.  So, then I said "Well, you know what?  There were probably little boats in case of an emergency" and she immediately said "For the hats?"  Ha!  I just love her imagination and am always so happy when I catch a glimpse of what goes through her head. 

Then, yesterday we had an awesome day together and with some friends of ours.  We went to Idaho Springs to swim in the hot springs there, and it was pretty much a perfect day.  We swam for a while and then went out to lunch.  After lunch, Owen and I took a nap in the car (aaahhhh) while Zoe and Nathan went back to the pool to swim a little more.  When Owen woke up, I took him inside to check on them, only to find that Nathan had taught Zoe how to swim by herself using one of those floating noodles!  She just gets more and more brave and confident and, not only was I so proud and happy for her, but was so glad that Nathan got to be the one to be there for it.  (Ok, ok I was a little jealous, but only a little!)  He's had to miss out on a lot of stuff the past couple of years because he's been working so hard and I can only imagine how hard that is for him, so I can push my jealousy aside and let him have this one.  :-)

Finally, to add to the arsenal against parental negativity, I captured on camera probably the most powerful weapon tonight:

 

 If this kid can manage a belly laugh like that after being tired and fussy for at least an hour, then I can move past the negativity and enjoy my family and the beautiful Colorado weather....wish me luck!