Some of you may remember a few years ago, I found myself in a pretty dark place. Thankfully at the time, I was writing a lot so spilled my guts on this blog and got the help I needed. Support came in the form of emails, comments, phone calls and in person conversations all of which started me down the healing journey I'm still on today..the one I will always be on.
The most important thing I learned was I wasn't alone in my deepest fears. Not the ones I openly discussed but the ones I was afraid to utter lest I be heavily medicated against my will. Little did I know how many of us think our deepest fears are too disturbing to be expressed aloud. I know now keeping lines of communication open is crucial. Sometimes the difference between surrendering to fear and conquering it is realizing you're not the only one living with it.
The past few years of my journey have been about crushing my demons. I've accepted they will never disappear completely. Passive remnants of them will stick around my whole life but with vigilance, you can be damn sure those suckers will remain mere dust, trapped under the solid foundation that is my renewed spirit.
I've worked hard to get to this point. I've set lofty goals and pursued them with my heart and soul. Some challenges were surmounted, some met and some abandoned but whatever the outcome, it's been important for me to keep piling them on.
Lately though, that tide has changed a bit. I've realized while I don't regret setting any of them, some of my lofty goals caused me to burn out. Two of the most notable were:
1) My marathon accomplishment. A million dollars would not tempt me to erase this from my life experience but it caused a loss of focus in my running. My motivation had always come from the desire to run farther. No part of me will ever want to run that far again so I've spent a lot of time and energy trying to find another source of motivation.
2) My determination to write a book. This kicked my writing ass, wiping out any and all confidence in my talent. I have felt embarrassed to write anything since the attempt because everything sounds like crap to me.
So, I decided to take a few steps back. To look at these things from a different angle and see what happens. I needed these years of lofty goal crushing effort but think it's time to have faith in the work and settle into something more slow and steady. I committed myself to a modest running challenge I feel confident will keep me focused all year and I will be back here more often, silencing my inner critic and saying whatever I feel like saying even if it's not perfect.
Wish me luck!